Iron Therapy - Healing from a Life of Struggle and Pain

I walk into my sanctuary, earphones connected, bag slung over my shoulder, and jug of water in hand. People look up and notice me as I walk by, but I pay them no mind. I'm there for me, and no one else. My focus is like no other, I'm determined to show myself once again what I am really made of. Passion, rage, pain, perseverance. This is where I bare it all. Hold nothing back. For the next two hours it's just me against me. I use these iron tools to shape myself. 

Those who are close to me know that I have struggled most of my life with depression. I've had self-esteem issues for as long a I can remember. Even as a child in elementary and middle school I felt inadequate. Despite being a smart and talented little girl, all I wanted to do was make my parents proud of me, but I couldn't help but feel like I was constantly missing the mark. 

I was never the "pretty girl" and puberty hit me like a ton of bricks. Acne, braces, glasses, long hair that I wasn't allowed to cut. I had a hard time making friends, I got made fun of at school. My parents divorce made things even more difficult. Going back and forth between homes, looking after my younger siblings, I felt like I had no control over my life. I struggled with eating disorders, anorexia, binge-purging, excessive exercising. I thought if I were at least skinny people might like me. 

I eventually got over most of my middle school awkwardness, but still was having a lot of issues at home. We were pretty poor, food was hard to come by, and I slept on a mattress on the floor. I started binge drinking, and got involved with a really rough crowd. When I didn't have to be home with my little brother and sister, I was hanging out in the streets. Violence, and drugs were all around me. I didn't respect myself, and I didn't expect respect from others. All I wanted was to feel accepted or loved in some way, I took it in any form I could. Because of this I got into an unending cycle of physically, and emotionally abusive relationships. Life was hard, and I didn't want to deal with it anymore. I thought about ending my life constantly. One night I pulled my mom's 9mm out from under her mattress. I can still feel the way it felt in my hands, the smell of the metal. I wanted to put a bullet through my head, but all I could think about was the fact that my little siblings were the only ones home with me, and I couldn't bare for them to be the ones to find my body. I may have messed up my own life, but I wasn't about to mess up theirs. 

I grip the metal knurling in my calloused hands. I'm told that I should wear gloves, after all I am a woman who should have soft hands. I don't care what people think. I wear these as my badge of honor, a physical manifestation of these past two years of hard work and dedication. I take a deep breath in as I prepare to push the weight above me. I'm ready to go all in. There's no turning back now. 

I did meet one guy that really cared about me, and treated me like a princess. I spent as much time with him as I could. He made me feel beautiful, loved, and safe. He was an older, handsome guy, and when he would pick me up after school all of the other girls would be jealous. They often said they didn't know what he saw in me, and I often questioned the same thing. After the start of my senior year in high school, my mom's husband kicked me out. I thought of moving in with my boyfriend, but we were still somewhat new and I wasn't sure I was ready. Up to this point I had very little relationship with my dad, but one call to him and he welcomed me into his home with open arms. I didn't deserve his compassion, but I was lucky for it because shortly after my boyfriend got arrested and ended up in the feds. At first I was told he'd only be a year, maybe two. Then the sentence came and it was four. I knew I couldn't wait that long. We kept in touch for a while, but I eventually felt the need to move on. 

After high school I moved down to Florida with my best friend. I thought that a change in my environment would somehow change me. Boy was I wrong. I found myself caught up with the same type of people and very similar situations. I was in a different state, but I was the same person, and therefore attracted the same things. Three year later, another abusive relationship and an attempt at suicide landed me in the psych ward. Luckily, my father came to my rescue once again, and brought me back home. 

As if dealing with all of this wasn't enough, I came back home looking to reconnect with my boyfriend that I had left, knowing that his time was almost up, only to find that he had passed from cancer just two weeks prior. I was devastated. His family told me he was asking to talk to me before he passed, but no one knew where I was.  Once again I turned to drinking to mask my pain. 

At one point my dad told me that enough was enough, that I had to "pull myself up by my bootstraps". By this point I had started working on my nutrition degree, but I was till struggling with my self-esteem. I started going to the gym more and more, doing mostly cardio, but the routine was good for me, and it helped me feel better about myself. 

I breathe out as I push, a strength I never knew I had. It's more than just a routine to me now. This is my way of life. I embrace the pain, I enjoy the discipline and structure it has given me. Everyday I am growing, physically, mentally, spiritually. I will let nothing stand in my way. 

When I started lifting weights, I saw my body changing, and it was addictive. I was limited however, by the way that I was fueling my body, I was eating "healthy" foods, but not nearly enough to feed the muscle I was trying to grow. I was also still drinking a lot, which was definitely affecting my performance in the gym. 

I took a sports nutrition class which really began to change my mindset. If I wanted to perform like an athlete, I had to treat myself like an athlete in every way. I decided it was time to stop abusing my body. I was ready to change who I was, inside and out. I also decided to start prepping for my first figure competition, and knew I would have to get serious about my diet, my recovery, and would need to give up drinking completely in order to do so. I was ready. 

I'm tired, I'm in pain, I don't think I could force out another rep. A feeling of failure starts to build inside me. I think about my life, all of the struggles I've been through. I think about my little brother and sister, I want to be strong for them. I need to be strong for myself. Tears start to well up in my eyes, I've made it this far, I can do this. I give it all I got and as I grit my teeth I get that weight up one last time. 

It was so much easier than I thought it would be. As I let go of my old habits, I began the new, and I started feeling incredible about myself and a new hope for my life. Lifting became my new coping mechanism. Being in the gym it's just me and the iron, nothing else matters. More than just a hobby, lifting is my therapy. I can't imagine where I might be without it. I use my gym time to reflect on my life, past and present. I think of where I am and where I will go. I use these weights to shape my body, and my mind. I listen to my music, I reflect, and I meditate. I celebrate every new PR that I hit, and use my failures as opportunities to continuously improve. 

I get up with a huge grin on my face. I did it, I knew I could. I am powerful, I am beautiful, I am worthy of respect from others, but more importantly I respect myself. I take off my headphones, sling my bag over my head, and make an unspoken promise to return again. 

Eight Cups? A Gallon? How Much Water is Enough?

You probably hear all the time that drinking water is important for both health and performance in the gym. Our bodies are  made up of around 60% water (on average), and yet still we underestimate it. Our body craves it, but not everyone is so in tune with the signaling.

Water: Why is it important?

Cell composition, cell signaling, digestion, hormonal function, homeostatic regulation, nutrient delivery, waste removal, joint lubrication, (the list goes on) all require water. 

When improperly hydrated you probably feel tired or foggy-brained. You might have dry mouth and/or dry skin, you may experience headaches and muscle cramps. You will definitely have decreased performance in your sport, gym, or job activity. 

Feelings of thirst and hunger are often confused. Why would our bodies do that? If you are depriving the boy of the water it needs, it will figure out how to get it in a different way. Food also contains water, and your body couldn't care less about that new diet you are trying to stick to. 

How Much Should We Drink?

I am constantly hearing numbers being tossed around and everyone prescribing set amounts to people regardless of their size and activity level. "You need 8 cups!" "You need a gallon!" Well a gallon is 16 cups, so these numbers are VERY different. I caution as always, BEWARE of a one size fits all to anything, diet, exercise, even those leggings that everyone is mad about. Not one program or one cookie cutter diet plan can work for everyone, and those leggings, yes they stretch, but even those have their limit! 

Water is no exception to this. Do you think a 225 lb man who does construction in the Florida heat, and is in the gym 5 days a week has the same needs as a 160 lb man who works in an air-conditioned office and does Pilates on the weekend? Probably not. Things that need to be considered include body weight, age, activity level, the amount in which you sweat, and even the climate in which you live. 

I still haven't answered the question, "How Much?" A baseline recommendation is 35 mL /kg body weight in adults. In America we go by ounces and pounds, so this is a little over an ounce per kg or about 1/2 an ounce per pound of body weight. So for someone who weighs 128 lbs, 64 ounces (8 cups) will be adequate as a baseline daily intake. Someone who weighs 200 lbs need about 100 ounces or 12.5 cups approximately. But remember, this is the starting point, what you want to hit if you are someone who has a relatively low active lifestyle. If you exercise, or have a labor intensive job the requirement only goes up from here. 

Exercise and Water Needs

The goal for the athlete or more active individual is to stay in a state of euhydration. This means not only drinking enough water the day of the increased physical activity, but the days leading up to it. The guidelines for us are intended to be sure that we are hydrated before our workouts, and then to replenish all fluid lost during exercise.

Before working out it is recommended that you drink 5-7 ml/kg body weight prior to exercise. So for someone who is 128 lbs this equates to between 10-14 ounces. For the 200 lb athlete, this is approximately 16-22 ounces.

During the workout you should consume water liberally. The body can only process a certain amount of water in a given time, so it is not entirely possible to stay completely hydrated during your event or training period, but the goal is to stay out of the state of dehydration. The amount during your training will vary dependent on your sweat rate, the climate that you exercise in, and even the clothing that you are wearing. The starting point for this is between 14-27 ounces of fluid per hour.

After your training the goal is to replenish all the fluids lost during exercise, which again is going to depend on a number of factors such as sweat rate and exercise duration. This is an amount more difficult to decide on because the determining factor here is how much weight in water was lost, and let's face it, most of us do not weigh ourselves both pre and post workout. If you are a long distance runner or cyclist or your workouts last longer than two hours, I would recommend you consider doing this because it is a more accurate way to make sure you are meeting your needs. For every pound that is lost during exercise, it takes about 23 ounces of water to replenish, (conversion to ounces and pounds from liters and kg makes this number strange, I know, but I'm trying to make it easier on you). 

A much more practical way of tracking hydration status is by looking at your urine. If you are an athlete you should make habit of looking to see what color you pee. Your urine should consistently be pale yellow to almost clear if you are properly hydrated. Darker urine, USUALLY indicates that you are dehydrated. I say usually, because if you are like me and take a multivitamin, it may contain higher levels of B2 (riboflavin) than your body needs and will just excrete it, turning your urine almost fluorescent an hour or two after taking it. Some foods such as beets may also contribute to a darker color, but it usually takes a larger portion than most people would normally consume. I

If you use choose this method to re-hydrate, take notice of your urine right after you workout, and then aim to return your urine to pale yellow in the hours post exercise. Again, you want to make sure you return to a state of euhydration, especially if you plan on training again the next day. 

**If you are not someone who has an easy time drinking adequate fluid throughout the day, don't worry, I will be writing a separate blog on tips/tricks on how to stay hydrate**

Replenishing Electrolytes 

This is a large and very important topic on its own, which I plan on discussing in later blogs, but I do need to mention it here. In general, most people consume enough electrolytes (sodium especially) in their diet to support their training. However, if you are an athlete who trains for two or more hours or are a salty sweater (you will know because you will see white residue on your skin or clothing) then plain water is not enough and it is HIGHLY suggested that you also consume a drink containing electrolytes. Again, I will cover this topic at a later date.

As always, if you have any questions, feel free to ask, and remember to drink up!!

Mahan, L. Kathleen, Sylvia Escott-Stump, and Janice L. Raymond. Krause's food & the nutrition care process. Elsevier Health Sciences, 2012.

Dunford, Marie, and J. Doyle. Nutrition for sport and exercise. Cengage Learning, 2011.

Does Your Nutrition Match Your Training?

I come across this all the time on social media or from people I run into in various public places. Questions like:

"I'm trying to lose weight, and I go to the gym, but nothing is working"

or

"I'm training really hard six days a week, and not seeing results, how should I alter my training so that I can make more gains? What supplements do you think I should take"

And then I ask them what their nutrition is like, and they look at me like I have ten heads. I feel like they want to say "what does this matter?" or even maybe "none of your business".

The thing is that people really don't understand how important nutrition is to their fitness goals. We hear all the time that losing weight or getting fit is "20% working out and 80% diet". While these are arbitrary numbers, and not actually proven as the exact ratio, it is just to say that nutrition is a much larger  part of the puzzle, and it is so true!

Believe me, I had to learn all of this the hard way, which is way I decided to talk about this topic, so you don't make the same mistake.

If you know much of anything about me, I have always loved being in the gym. As a teenager I took weight training in high school and would go with my older brother, Steven, to the local Planet Fitness a few times per week. I picked up at least some of the basics here, but by no means was this type of working out anymore than just something fun to do.

For most of my life I have either been skinny or "skinny fat".  As I've progressed in my training, from having fun in the gym - to cardio bunny - to dabbling in weights -  to training,  my diet also progressed somewhat along with it, but it was no where near optimal. From eating mostly crap food as a teenager -  (we really need more nutrition education in public schools) to eating like a bunny - to "eating more healthy" - to eating healthy and then binge drinking and eating crap on the weekends, it didn't matter what I was doing in the gym, my body pretty much stayed the same, just with fluctuations in my weight.

Now when people ask me how long I've been training for, I don't tell them that I started as a teenager at planet fitness because this was not training, I also don't tell them the first time I actually started working with a personal trainer but was still eating crap food. I consider that I started training seriously when I started taking my diet seriously and not only training, but EATING like an athlete.(although my idea of what serious actually means is continuously morphing into a  higher standard as I continue to grow as it should). When my nutrition finally came into alignment with my weight lifting, that's when I actually started seeing results.

The body is an amazing machine, but you can't expect miracles from it. What you put into your body is going to dictate what you get out of it. Match your nutrition with your training and fitness goals. You need to fuel your body to perform optimally.

Step back and reflect on your own fitness goals and where you are right now with nutrition and training. Are you in the gym training your butt off, spending time researching programs to bigger biceps or killer abs, and not seeing results? Are you trying to put on muscle? Are you trying to get lean? What are you putting in your body to make this your reality? If you want to put on muscle, are you getting enough protein? Enough calories? Do you even know how much protein you need to get in? If you are trying to lose weight, and aren't, do you know how many calories you actually need each day and whether or not you are exceeding these? Are you aware of how many empty calories you are consuming or their sources?

It is absolutely a waste of your time to get your training to a level 8 or 9 in whatever sport you're in or goal you have if your nutrition is still hanging out in the 1's and 2's. Learn the basics, then find out what you need to change your nutrition to bring it up to the same level as your athleticism.

If you are overwhelmed by the idea of this, start by learning the basics of nutrition and what foods do for your body. Everything will start to make sense, and as you learn more you can continuously adapt. If you are brand new to the gym or fitness, even better. Start small with both your fitness and nutrition and build them both simultaneously. Be consistent, and you will see results.

Don't let all of your hard work in the gym or on the field to go to waste because of bad nutrition. Get what you work so hard for.